All is Full of Love [entries|friends|calendar] Jewlz [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

random [25 Oct 2006|12:59am] Oh boy it's getting coldddd at the 'Cuse already hahaha... My first horse show is this weekend in Rochester NY, everyone is like "oh bummer ur not gonna be around for halloween weekend" but personally I am sooo excited. I cant wait to compete again... Even though I am the ONLY rider competing in the top level jumping classes which is pretty damn nerve wracking considering that I'm only a freshman and I haven't shown in 7 months and everyone is going to be kind of depending on me... But no pressure, right? But it'll be fun, and I'm excited to get closer with some of the girls on the team considering we'll all be stayin in the same two houses. And then soon after I get to visit my loveyyyy!! I cant wait because it kinda feels like I havent seen him in longer than it's really been becasue when I went home I didnt get to see him as much as I'd have liked, and it certainly cant compare with visiting each other in your dorms without parents or anything. Again, I have a damn psych test right after I see Ray, just like last time. I'll have to start studying the week before. I also have a bunch of essays due this week but I think I am doing well in school in general... Unless my writing teacher counts abscences because she's a bitch and I've missed class like three times but all well I cant stand that class anyway. My progress reports said I was doing good though but we'll see. ( Wind-Up)

You have to trust it... [16 Oct 2006|03:00pm] this weekend was great. I still cant believe we went to a Devils game haha it was so random but very fun and cute except when I thought I'd get killed by pucks flying at the glass... but yeah other than the bus this weekend was great and I'm glad I got to go home see Robbie and my cats and my lover. I know you enjoyed this weekend too baby and I'm very glad. For some reason I've decided to take school more seriously, not that I havent been but im making a real serious effort to try to actually concentrate in class and listen to everything and not drift off. I think it's cuz I missed a lot of class this past Thurs and Fri cuz of riding and I'm gonna miss it again next weekend for the show and then probably again to go visit Ray so I want to be as on top of it as possible so I can afford to miss some. I've also decided to minor in Management Studies... It wont kill me like the double major would and it has all the classes I really wanted to take anyway. I'm excited, but I have to get that sorted out asap. ( Wind-Up)

If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way. [12 Oct 2006|09:26pm] Tomorrow I'm going home for the first time! I cant wait to eat pasta... lots and lots of pasta... (pasta at syracuse sucks lol). I cant wait to see Peanut and Dusty (and the rest of my family of course lol) and Robbie!!! and of course my babe.  I think I first got the urge to go home when I realized this weekend is two of my friends birthdays and I would have to take care of them when they get shitfaced drunk like they've been talking about all week...  God I cant wait to go home.  And then I have one weekend and a bar-b-que and then I go to a riding show for the weekend and then I go to Rutgers to check out my babe's dorm... make sure it's fire safe, you know... (and to give him kisses!).  This weekend is gonna be just what I need, especially now that I'm so sore from riding and I get to go home and I wont have to walk all over campus and try not to limp. Oh, and some people stil have to learn that not everyone's thoughts or everything in the world revolves around them. ( Wind-Up)

[12 Oct 2006|01:17am] I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hold The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here What have I become My ssweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way. ( Wind-Up)

I have no lid upon my head but if I did you could look inside... [25 Sep 2006|02:44pm] This weekend proved to me that this can really be done. Not that everything went perfect or there was no challenges, but that this is real and is really happening. I will miss seeing you in my bed, on my campus, in my mirror, ironing on my roommates dresser, but even though you're gone I feel that we are better than ever. I know that no matter what, I am not alone. I love you babe. Kiss haum kiss with insomnia cookies on top! ps- 19 days. ... and see whats on my mind. ohhhhh it's you ... ( Wind-Up)

[21 Sep 2006|12:37am] Everyone is fucking crazy. ( Wind-Up)

Go now, you are forgiven. [18 Sep 2006|12:40am] My babe is coming my babe is coming! im so psyched for this weekend. robs coming up here thurs and ray is comin friday and isnt leavin till monday. which is awesome (except that i have a psych test tues... but yeah). Still loving it here... Just realizing that it sucks that my floor isnt more social with each other but I'm trying. Went to the coolest party for the tv station on saturday so funny... Riding tryouts are friday, which is awesome. I simply cannot wait to get on a horse, and i cant believe that I waited this long to ride again. I came to the realization the other day when i was looking at pictures that donating Jazz to Centenary is my greatest regret ever. I miss him so much, he was an awesome horse and I let ppl who simply wanted my money convince me otherwise in the hopes I would buy a more expensive horse to replace him and they would get commission. Even tho I still wouldnt have been able to keep him because there is no way my parents could have afforded it AND syracuse, part of me thinks it almost would have been worth it to go to Rutgers and keep my babe... Although I feel that I made the right choice for me and my future and my general happiness, i still wish that I had somehow worked harder to try to find a way to make it work. I know that as fun as it will be to start riding again, its not gonna be nearly the same without Jazzy. Its just something I have been a lil upset about lately. I literally have to start taking school a bit more seriously. I do all my work I go to class but last week I missed an entire day of classes wed when I was sick and completely overslept, but still I should have sucked it up and went. I also HAVE to start really reading my books... All my other friends always have so much reading and its not like it gets assigned its just shit u have to read, i mean they make u buy the books for a reason. However I always am too lazy/think Im smart enought to figure shit out without readin, but it makes it a lot harder for me now when I go to study for a test. So my lesson learned from the first month of college is READ!! Other than that I'm happy with my life. I love my friends. I love Ray. I (most of the time) love my school (but not that I ddnt get into OrangeSeeds). All well, shit happens. ( Wind-Up)

What's your addiction? [03 Sep 2006|08:13pm] Oh, college life. Its only the second week and I've been there and back. I've gone to classes, missed classes, been to frat parties, apartments, hockey and lax houses, dorm parties, chilled out & watched movies, eaten dominoes, gone shopping, bought books, been lost, given directions, been to the gym, been running, had "freshman moments", pretended to be a senior and made fun of other kids "freshman moments", hated a class, loved a class, been hit on, been to a concert, been to the gym and felt lost, been running and felt good, signed up for random clubs that i'll never go to and ones that i will (like waffles and funk), and wow... the list goes on. And I'm loving every second. Its better than I thought. I mean sure sometimes you get lonely and homework clearly sucks and sometimes when your on one side of campus and you have to go to the other it sucks, but the feeling that you get when you are doing things "for you" rather than your parents or friends or strangers and their expectations... thats when its amazing. I've already realized that you either get the best of college or college gets the best of you. You have to be able to extract the things that will hold you back or the things you dont like i.e. your self-doubt, shyness, any other bad personal qualities that you want to fix and put it in your back pocket and leave it there till your forget about it. You have to be able to go up to anyone and talk about anything. People will judge you in a second and whether you give off an air of insecurity or confidence (even if u are faking confidence) will make or break you in a second. But I love it cause it forces you to put yourself out there and explore things and meet people you normally wouldnt have. Of course it could go the opposite way. My roommate barely talks and when she does she sounds like she doesnt even know what shes saying and so she has few friends and sits in the room all day. College can swallow you up and you will be lost or you can feel like you really are at the brink of the rest of your life. ( Wind-Up)

[22 Aug 2006|12:45am] Tomorrow afternoon I go to the lakehouse and the next morning I wake up and move into Syraucse. My summer has flown by so fast. Overall I have enjoyed it and while some things did not go quite as planned I really do think that things turned out right. After saying goodbye to everyone at Amanda's bbq and after Katies last night and the lakehouse with the guys and Ray, I have realy realized how much I have taken even ppl who I thought did not mean that much to me for granted. I am so grateful for each and every friend that I made in High Tech becasue they truly are all very unique and supportive in their own ways and even thought I am obviously closer to some than others, everyone has brought something to the table and has affected me in at least one major positive way over the past four years, and because I feel that I have come out of high school with a great position and attidude towards life, I have nothing but gratitude and love for every single person who helped get me here. i'm going to miss Peanut and Dusty too. But Peanut more. I'm frightened but also excited... Mostly though, I am just hopeful. I really truly do have a great feeling about this, everything will fall into place and happen as it should. I just know it. Forever and ever babe. ( Wind-Up)

If thats what it costs then i am freeee [14 Aug 2006|12:52am] Doesn't this just smell familiar? You cut your fingernails like your soul If I ripped your heart right from you Would you feel it? Would you feel it al all? Doesn't this just smell familiar? A pretty penny now you paid your pride (Out the window there goes your soul...) and If I ripped your heart right from you Would you feel it? Would you feel it at all? Would you feel it at all? Life is a bitch. So is kharma. So is listening to mind tell ur heart "i told you so" over and over and over. BTW, my instincts, they weren't misleading. If I'd listened to them none of us would be here. ( Wind-Up)

[08 Aug 2006|04:39pm] Thank God for small blessings.I love my life, I cant wait to get home even though florida is fun. There is soo much to do before Syracuseee!! Lakehouse, Florida Adventure part II, Jersey City, Boston(?), Yankee game, Beach. My life always tends to work out so well, even if I dont notice it at first. I love surprises. His phone call was one of them. Perfect timing. Rob's amazing revelations were another. "Oh instincts are misleading..." PS- I am wayy too tan. ( Wind-Up)

[03 Aug 2006|01:43am] Well I leave for Florida on friday... and then after that there is only about a week and a half left until I leave for Syracuse. As it gets closer it sinks in more and more just how many people there are to say goodbye too, and I realize exactly who it is that I am going to miss and why. I also realize why people say there is never enough time in life. Summer is almost over and some of the things I thought or even felt that I knew with a certainty that I wanted to do there just hasnt been time for. The lakehouse which has been a tradition every year has not even happened yet, and although I hope that it will, reality is it wont. I really realy wanted to take a road trip... but where will i go? And how could I leave in the last bit of time before Im gone? In some ways I feel like I am wasting the end of my summer. Before I was just always out, at parties or with anyone doing anything. Now I would rather sit at home and watch law and order or something and chill out or just talk to people than just go out for the sake of going out. Sometimes I feel like forcing it, but I am just not in the mood to go out when there is simply nothing to do. Unless I am going to be hanging out with any of the people that I feel I cannot say goodbye to, I do not feel like going out and doing trivial things. Everyone else seems to be in the same kind of mood, no one goes out and there is nothing to do. And somehow I dont mind. In a way, I think we are all avoiding each other. its getting to that awkward stage where its almost time to say goodbye and after this point it will never ever be the same... Maybe if we avoid it that stage will just never come? I know I will never be able to say goodbye to you and I will never be able to accept it if we fall into the same kind of trap that I am trying to avoid with everyone else. Please never allow at least our friendship to fade... Obviously there is so much more to us than that but that is how we began and at least that is how we can end up. But while I am still here with you I intend to take full advantage and do whatever feels right. I want you in my life to the fullest extent that is healthy for us both so that when we have to part, we wil have a foundation on which to build. Even though this post sounds very depressing, I am excited, thrilled, and terrified all at the same time at the prospect of starting over in Syracuse. I am hopeful that I will make the best out of my college experience.. As cliche as that sounds, I intend to advantage of everything I can, socially, academically, and psychologically. I want to grow into the person that I know I can be and I can only hope that I was right and that it is the right environment for me to do so. ( Wind-Up)

Is it heavier than air? [23 Jul 2006|04:36pm] Its so much harder than I thought, and I get no credit or sympathy. In your eyes I am the bad guy, but look at you, see how easy it is to think you dont need me? To find a "replacement"? Now your all strong and independent, and Im glad for u and for us. I'm glad for me... But this is still so hard. This is the real end. Its almost impossible to accept. I want to put some distance between us but cant stand it when its u who turns to leave. What to do? All I know is I need u to back me up. In a month I have to say goodbye to everyone... But I knew I'd have to. How do I say goodbye to you? Its never been really expected. Thank god for kate, running, and distractions. ( Wind-Up)

what I want? [12 Jul 2006|03:17pm] I wanna live life and never be cruel I wanna live life with someone so true. And I wanna fly and never come down And live my life and have friends around. We never change, do we? no, no... We never learn, do we? So I wanna live in a wooden house... I wanna live life and always be true, I wanna live life and be good to you.. And I wanna fly and never come down And live my life and have friends around We never change, do we? No, no We never learn, do we? So I wanna live in a wooden house where making more friends would be easy Oh, and I don´t have a soul to save Yes, and I sin every single day We never change, do we? We never learn, do we? So I wanna live in a wooden house Where making more friends would be easy I wanna live where the sun comes out ... ( Wind-Up)

[25 Jun 2006|10:59pm] I really have no words to describe my life lately. Such a range of emotions, good and bad.  I have been loved, mistreated, a bitch, a good friend, a bad friend, backstabbed, supported, hurt, happy, frightened, confident, angry, content... it could go on and on. I have not updated in a while, so I shall just summarize.  I'm giving Ray another chance. Going greaat (mostly) till a certain party where he was ridiculously dumb. Now I am terrified that I will never be able to trust him... especilly not 4 hours away in college. We shall see... I went dorm shopping. I am graduating wednesday.  I dont want to graduate but I am excited for Syracuse. And scared. I have a good feeling though. I am not as sentimental as many people are and thus am not as sad as others like oh, its the last time we'l be in school at 10:24 on a friday... okay that was exxaggerated and I am going to miss everyone extremely well but like I said, I'm not very sentimental except about certain things and my mentality is that I will miss everyone, but what can you  do? Yes it will never be the same, but nothing ever is. things constantly change. Even if we all stayed in high school forever, it wouldnt stay as it is now. Change is what you make of it, it can be good or bad based on your attitude and the choices you make, and i am determined to make college as good a change as possible. However, I also never want this summer to end. And its already almost half over and I'm not even graduated. I will NOT tolerate shitty friendship anymore and am EXTREMELY hurt by what I found out someone waws saying about me to numerous people.  I know he loves me, but I dont play that shit... Say you think it was a bad decision, say you dont agree with what i did or why i did it, but dont talk shit. Especially when I barely deserve it compared to certain other people... Alright, i guess thats it. This has been both an amazingly hard and amazinly wonderful time in my life, and I both cannot wait and am dreading for it to end. ( Wind-Up)

[06 Jun 2006|05:15pm] I cant handle anymore... it makes me feel so down... Im trying my best not to sweat the small stuff but what used to come so natural I now need to fake. The happiness and strength I used to find is now hard to come by. Everything that used to keep me sane is now making it more complicated. I dont know what to do. I think I need summer. I need a routine again. Everything in life is so up in the air right now, I need at least one thing to fall back on. ( Wind-Up)

We live lives that are rich and blessed [02 Jun 2006|06:23am] I know you want to... I know you want to, I know you want to run away. I feel happy. I dont know what the future wil bring but I'm here now so I am happy. Maybe if I keep this mentality of living in the moment, the future will eventually be that moment, and I will have everything under control because I never took my eye off the target for a second. I think I'm in over my head. But I like it. (We'll all burn for how we've transgressed.) ( Wind-Up)

Manned Up [29 May 2006|06:26pm] Prom was a pretty great night... Not as fun in some ways as semi cause everyone was just dancing more and stuff at semi, but the place was gorgeous and it was soo nice to just be with everyone and just walk around. After prom was great, I had an amazing time with Alexis all night. Heading up to the cabins I just felt very at peace and calm. I told myself I wouldnt stress about Alexis at all, even though he was very very scared about me going for a few different, very understandable reasons. Normally I would have been constantly talking about him and worrying, but I was honestly so proud of how I handled it. Even though I missed him and thought about him a lot, I just enjoyed myself and I only called him once a day, and since his phone rarely works he never picked up, but I just left a message and that was it. Today on the way home was the first time I spoke to him, and I am fine with that. Even my friends noticed that I barely even mentioned him all weekend. I cant wait to see him, but  I just really enjoyed being with all my classmates. It was such an experience, and although there was of course a little bit of drama here and there, there was much much less than I expected. Overall, cabins was a huge success filled with many great memories.  I hope we can go back but even if we do I doubt it could rival this trip. I even made progress with Ray. The first night we had a little drunken fight, which I had told myself I did NOT want to do at all. however, we apologized in the morning and only spoke as friends since.  Im glad no one got too sick either, and that the worst thing that happened to me was my extremely red face lol.  Even though I'm still disappointed with Fred, Im really grateful to all my other friends for just being themselves and allowing me to have an amazing time, and to Ray and everyone else for watching out for me the last night. Cabins '06- Never to be forgotten. ( Wind-Up)

[22 May 2006|12:10am] I've realized how amazing Postal Service lyrics are. Very straightforward but very just, idk. Perfectly convey what they are trying to say. I think this song is basically self explanatory in how I relate to it. You have to listen to it to get the full effect. ( Nothing Better ) Also the song Brand New Colony is, if you think about it, one of the sweetest love songs ever.  Its perfectly describes that feeling of just wanting to be in the person you love's life, to protect them, to be there in every situation, no matter what it takes or how meaningless u seem. Its very sweet. ( Brand New Colony ) I wish life didnt work the way it didnt. The same things that make me so happy also make me so depressed. I m at the end of the rope and I've run out of time and I'm desperately trying not to notice.  I cant pretend forever, and then I am left with nothing... bitter and alone and thinking about what could have been or what if this or I should have that. I wish I still rode horses. Thats one thing I have to look forward to. ( Wind-Up)

Everything will change... [22 May 2006|12:02am] I am exceeding my own expectations, something that I have not done in a while. There are still things I regret, but overall, I am being true to myself. I find myself stronger than I thought I was. I will never underestimate myself again. Today I really realized that everyone has a secret that they only let a few people in on. I also realized that I really, truly do want to be a psychologist or a counselor or something of the type, becasue everyone has a sob story that makes me want to "save" them. Although it will probably be hard on me, because u can never save everyone, I NEED to do soemthing with my life to help people. I hope I can find the right path. I wish I could take his pain or tell him a solution. I despise feeling so useless and just saying wow, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... over and over again. I wish I had more time with him, both to enjoy him and us and to get to know him and be there for him more. If I could do one thing it would be to somehow make someone in his family let him know how grateful they are, and how much they respect him for what he's trying to do and how much he's handling, because I sure do but its just not the same. I'm caught up. Prom is in 3 days. Wow. This year flew by and now I find myself wanting more time. ( Wind-Up)

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